And in the End, I lie awake and Dream of making my Escape.

Step XXI
Winter

I'm drowning everything I see. Something has to change.
I feel ...cloudy, foggy, like nothing is quite clear.
Maybe its just another bout of my ever-invading despondency.
Hopefully some euphoria is around the corner.
Or I'm not long for this at all.

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day.

Step XX
Momentum

Days seem to tick by, like the second hand on a clock.
I'm not sure if I'm ready for the rest of my life to begin, but I'm going to face it head on, regardless.

I'm starting to Believe the Ocean is just like You.

Step XIX
Sincerity

Who I am is who I am, but it is not necessarily who I want to be.

Honesty is important. Obviously, you can never be completely honest one hundred percent of the time. However, honesty is essential to sincerity.

I think that for anything to be valuable or real, it must be sincere. I can understand or empathize or feel the need for anything, as long as it is something honestly meaningful to someone.

So much of our live are fake. Total utter bullshit, to be frank.
Be sincere, show people your true colors. Tap in to who you really are, and make that person who you really want to be.


There are no excuses that can explain your unwillingness to be.

Pretensiousness In Stereo

Step XVIII
My Reflections

Whatever happened to the way you spoke?
Whatever happened to your demons and your fears?
So seem to me so brash and full of hope.
Even though these musings always fall on deaf ears.

speak none, hear none, see none, breath none.
I see quite clearly what you have become.

Resting peacefuly, in listless eyes.
trying to buy back all your wasted time.

I've found some auditory editing that you can't effect.
and some introspective embolisms caught in your chest.

Later on, the setting sun
will find a new way home
while I can't wait, to get a taste
of my new found, new-spilled blood.

Sometimes I worry that I've lost the plot.

Step XVII
No Comment.

I'm not to dead to laugh.
I'm not to proud to cry.
Lately I just can't find the reasons why.
I could fall, so I'll pretend to fly.
Echoes now calling in the words gone by.
I just wait, I don't have the time.
All the people I pretend to find
can't really play
but I'll never say
that this is all I've got.

Those Who Tell the Truth Shall Live Forever.

Step XVI
Aurality

I heard there was a secret chord that David played and it pleased the Lord. But you don't really care for music, do you? Well it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth. The baffled composing hallelujah...

I was think about communication again. More so, I was thinking about music. A friend of mine recently taught me the basics of music theory. It is really cool to be able to communicate like that.

But I think that the primal essence of it lies in the unspoken messages in the sounds. Just the sound alone, can move you beyond anything the prettiest words could hope for.

Instrumentality is kind of akward.

Step XV
Humanity

I don't know how many of you have seen the Japanese animated series entitled Neon Genesis Evangelion, but I was discussing it recently, and I found a veritable torrent of thoughts pouring out of my head.

I think on the whole, it is about communication. The exchange between each other. How a simple human creature can relate to something else.

I used to have this rather contrived belief, or rather, I professed to having this contrived belief, that humanity shared a single consciousness. I feel like refining that.

I don't believe that we have any sort of "mind-meld" or "hive mind". It is like there is a single pervading connection throughout everyone. If we don't share this flow of life or energy or what have you, then I think there is no way we could relate to such complicated creatures as humans.

If we didn't have any kind of underlying, primal connection, then we would be adrift in a sea of bleak thoughts and dark tomorrows.

That communication, the exchange, that spark you feel when someone can grasp what you are attempting to say. I think that is the beauty of being human.

We'll just pretend that no one knows

Step XIV
Nonsense

She walked in through the rain, and we both left any sense of decency at the door. There was a lot of misunderstanding, and plenty of shady intentions that night. As the dingy lights went out, so did the fire behind her eyes. Four hours later, a broken man walked away from a cheap motel that was fighting desperately to be reduced to ashes. The rain tried its hardest. It was a laughable attempt.

I don't often remember my dreams. Lately, I have been, and I think they would disturb me if I thought it was possible to be disturbed by your own subconscious. A lot of violence, to say the least.

The new year was brought in an almost blaze of glory. A good time to be sure, but kind of a let down at the same time. Looming re-incarceration dampens my spirit slightly.

I wanted to keep up with this on a daily basis, but I just didn't make the time to. I would really like to, if I can bring myself to do so. I'm not sure if I can always pick something meaningful out of my head. It sure does not seem as if I am able to at the moment.

Well, keep one finger on the pulse, and another on the trigger. Matches have either already given up, or are jumping at the chance to be struck.